Sometimes I Talk to Myself

Actually...I talk to myself a lot...but that is beside the point....

As all of you know (or you should by now, and if you don't you haven't been paying attention) I don't do well with alone time...in fact, I hate alone time. Sometimes when I am hanging out with people and I know it is going to end soon I get a little sad feeling in my stomach because then I know I will be alone.

Reading the above paragraph makes me sound like some kind of basket case with attachment disorder...no please don't leave me....I will do anything to entice you to stay...ANYTHING!

Okay, so I am not that bad and if we drill down a little deeper we will see that it is not actually alone time that I hate...it is unstructured chunks of quiet with seemingly no end in sight...I am okay (and in fact I quite enjoy my alone time) if I know when it is going to end. I love waking up in the morning and reading by myself in bed if I know that later that day I have a hike to go on, errands to run or friends to have drinks with....similarly, I can leave a bar at 11 and be okay checking out of the party early cause I am going to bed...

It is the realization on a Sunday that I have nothing to fill my day and my friends are all busy and there is no one to hang out with. That sucks. Which is odd because generally in life I am a good self-starter--I will find things to do to keep me occupied--but not on the social front. I would rather be invited along than do the inviting.

All this puts me in a weird spot having just moved to a new town...if I don't do the inviting won't I be doomed to sit at home alone? All my close college buds are about 45 minutes away which is great for weekends, but just a little too far on the weekdays to make any travel worthwhile...and the running buddy has been great at introducing me to various folks and allowing me to tag along on random adventures...but I can't rely on him to continue to build my social group...then I am just like an annoying little sibling :).

I have thought about joining various recreational activities but it seems so fake on so many levels--first it's like hey look I am cool, you're cool we should be friends because we like to do the same thing. Second, I feel like it would be a perpetual personal add--swf super studdly and does lots of things you should be impressed--let's get together so we can swap stories of crazy outdoor adventures and constantly try to one up one another. Lame.

This post is kind of depressing and I did not mean it to be that way--I really just meant it as a reflection on the fact that I am an over-socialized weirdo who needs to learn to take more comfort in a cup of tea and a good book.

Back to talking to myself.