The Not So Good Sides of Me

Most of you who know me would probably describe me as a fairly confident person, often bordering on world by the balls brashness. Some people would call me a bitch because I usually don't mince words and am known for "telling it like it is." This is because I generally feel insulated by a safety net of my nearest and dearest friends and family, the world can be damned as long as I know they have my back.

So yeah, you would probably describe me that way...unless...you have seen me in a moment of weakness. Then you would know that it doesn't take much to wipe away a lot of that bravado. In fact, often all it takes is a member of the male sex.

Males can bring out my jealousy, obsessiveness and general mistrust like nobody's business. These, of course, are the traits I dislike most about myself. I hate being unsure, I hate needing somene's attention or validation, I hate feeling like I would drop whatever I am doing to spend a couple minutes with someone and not knowing if they feel the same about me. I. Hate. It.

Now, I would guess that this is a truism for most strong, independent women. Which is why it takes many of us so long to settle down--we just can't help but feel like we are giving up a piece of ourselves, or indulging those parts of ourselves that we do not admire.

Every relationship I have been in recently has suffered in some way from this part of my personality rearing its ugly head. I have asked for patience, and understanding, but everyone gets to the end of their rope, and I get that. I really do. But it is going to take someone who understands that the best parts of me come with the worst parts of me as well. It is a package deal as they say. And, I have got to learn to stop slinging bullshit. Just because you are the same species doesn't mean you are responsible for the sins of those who came before you.

I will try if you will.