On Looking Before You Leap

So...I am supposed to be writing every day. Since making that proclamation to the blogosphere and to my lady friends over dinner I have written exactly...once.  Every habit takes a bit of time to form so consider this entry attempt number two to establish a daily writing habit.

Shortly after my previous entry my mom and I traveled to Banff and Jasper National Parks (Canada, eh?) for two weeks of absolute relaxation.  This is really the first vacation I have taken with my mother where I have felt like an adult and was able to interact with her without digressing into the patterns of childhood where I would whine or bitch when our opinions about how to conduct our day diverged. Short of a small (read: 8 hour) diversion caused by a mudslide, we had a wonderful time.  We explored the Canadian Rockies on foot, by bike and by boat...we enjoyed many gourmet meals and absolutely fabulous massage--suffice it to say it was a much needed respite!

I returned from this adventure feeling refreshed and that life is too short not to be engaged every day in something you absolutely love.  So for two days I walked around proclaiming to anyone who would listen that I was going to return to work only long enough to pack my boxes and take a hike...but of course that hasn't happened.  I am by nature way too cautious to jump off the proverbial cliff without knowing there are about 50 rip cords I can pull.  This is both agonizing and oddly comforting--I know when I finally do make that decision it will be because I have weighed all the options and decided that I truly am making the best possible decision.  On the other hand don't some of the best adventures happen because we have no idea where we're headed??

Since relaunching into the real world my life aside from the daily grind of work has been a whirlwind of weddings...which has raised a whole other kind of angst.  In deciding to part ways with Map Man I knew I was taking a huge risk...but also knew that if I didn't 10 years down the road I might be facing some serious regrets.  Still, that is but cold comfort when some of your nearest and dearest seem to be rapidly outpacing you as you sit with your feet up back at the starting line.  At the same time, just because that is their race to run does not mean you may not have an entirely different path.  Something I am struggling with is realizing that just because I feel like life has stalled doesn't mean it's over...my cousin Sean pointed out to me that life as he knows it now had just begun when he was 29--not that the same will be true for me, but if I am even half as blessed as he is when I turn 40 I will certainly count myself lucky.

Anyway, still on the edge and peering over--if you have any words of wisdom/encouragment/thoughts/shout outs on the next steps feel free to share them.

Resurfacing...

So, if you're in what Facebook defines as my "inner circle" you already know that life is kind of off the rails for me...

Or more accurately, life was off the rails and now it is slowly making its way upright again.  If you look at my last post it is dated sometime in 2009 and in some ways I feel like that is where I pressed pause on life.

I didn't really; I did A LOT of living in those 3 years...but as I emerge on the other side it can feel like some things haven't changed or evolved or moved.  I fell madly, deeply in love in 2009--the kind of love that is head over heels do the happy dance all the time, grinning from your toes up kind of love.  With the Map Man (more later).  And eventually he (and his dogs playing poker (or his Seahawks banner) moved in) and even further down the road we got a dog and still farther down that road we fell out of love...or at least I did.

Please, do not mistake me, Map Man is wonderfully kind and gentle and is willing to go out of his way for anyone he cares about.  So the problem really lies with me; as I approach 30 I am FREAKING OUT!  Therefore, in an effort to gain some modicum of control I have shed all those things over which I do not have complete control (read: Map Man).  I have started reading The Happiness Project and consulting m all too wise and hip cousin on which path I should next take in life.

In some ways I feel like there is so much available before me; I can go back to school, I can change careers, I can travel the world...and in some ways I feel like certain things are slipping through my hands like grains of sand; marriage, children, love, stability.  So, many days I feel as though I am standing at a precipice deciding whether or not to take the leap.

One of the resolutions that has come out of my reading of The Happiness Project is to write every day and this blog, this resurfacing, will be one outlet for that...